The ups and the downs of ageing and selfhood

Having had a strange few days of highs and lows I have been pondering the nature of ageing and what it means to inhabit our bodies. My mother had some sort of heart arrhythmia a couple of weeks ago and has had a pacemaker fitted. I went to visit her for the first time yesterday (having not been well enough really to visit at the risk of passing on whatever flu bug I had).  My mum is 81 and has previously been a healthy and active person, working one day a week in the local PDSA charity shop and visiting my brother every Saturday on the bus. I fear that may have come to an end.

She collapsed while having her hair done at the hairdressers, she doesn't remember passing out, she only knows she woke up in an ambulance. She was out for approximately 10 mins and they were worried they wouldn't be able to rouse her. She was then taken to hospital for assessment and endured what sounds like a typical A&E experience in this country, where she was left hooked up to a ECG machine on a trolley for 8 hours while they waited for a bed. She says all she had with her was her handbag and they had put her in a gown but not given her a blanket or drink until she begged the nurses saying how cold and thirsty she was. She says they looked annoyed when she asked (which mirrors my experience - they are all under such tremendous pressure with not enough staff that the basic kindnesses go out the window).

She had her pacemaker fitted the next day in what seems like a miracle procedure - local anaesthetic and inserted through the artery under her arm. She was discharged after 2 days and now has care from 2 lovely ladies who come morning and evening to help her dress. She seemed well enough when I saw her but she shows signs of having lost a lot of weight, she has lost the use of her left arm (which is her dominant hand) so is severely restricted in cooking and dressing. I was a little surprised by how quickly she has become 'old' and passive. She is scared of using the microwave in case it interferes with the device; the booklet she was given says she is not to get within 6 inches of microwaves or hairdryers so, my Mum being ever cautious, she goes out the room completely when the microwave is on and hasn't washed or dried her hair yet, preferring to use dry shampoo. She seems convinced that she can't use her arm, even though the advice was just to not to lift it above her head for a few weeks.

Nothing I say can convince her, she waits for the consultant appointment this week to tell her whether she can have her hair washed, risk walking, etc. Women of my mother's generation (and class I guess) are in awe of their doctors and their word is God. Anyway it was a mixture of relief (that she has survived with her humour intact) and exasperation that I attempted to help and be a good daughter. I did her hair for her. It was a strange but oddly healing experience. We've never had the greatest relationship but I am slowly building it, as she ages and I find more compassion in my heart for her strengths (famously dotty, genial and good natured) and try hard to ignore her weaknesses (lack of empathy for those closest to her, judgemental at times).

And in that reflection of course is the fact that, as I approach 51 (this week!!), I feel, well, surprisingly young in comparison! I had gone to visit feeling quite down about my approaching birthday but seeing her passivity and helplessness, I realise I am not there yet and still have a lot of living to do. We are all ageing and we are quite terrified if we're honest but as I continue to work with my clients and learn so much through the work we do together I realise that our fears are universal and very, very human.

I had a dispiriting Saturday exhibiting at a Wellbeing day where I sat, ignored for the most part, as people who read cards or palms, sold crystals or even, gasp, make-up were well attended. Working on your emotional health just isn't that high up the agenda for most people. They'd much rather have a foot-rub! Can't say I don't understand that but I kept feeling that wellness is so one-dimensional if all it means is attending to the physical needs of the body.. I mean I love massage, (and I do it for goodness sake) so I'm not denying the importance but I SO believe in this stuff that I do and I get such great results when people are able to release their subconscious fears and beliefs that I can't understand why everyone doesn't get this excited. :)

I did have one 'client' on the day - she was another therapist who was interested in trying a taster session of EFT as she'd heard of it but she couldn't think what we could work on as she'd 'sorted everything previously with other therapies'. I asked her 'is there anything troubling you?'. She said 'well only this nagging back pain' so we decided to work on that. Now, I use Faster EFT with a few extra touches of my own from my training in trauma and hypnotherapy, and it's quite a quick and incisive tool. In fact within minutes I had my poor lady in tears as she reconciled the fact of not loving or forgiving herself for stuff that happened to her in childhood. I had not expected to go so deep so quickly but then I am not in control of what comes up. All I can do is take the person into their own resourcefulness to counteract the pain and move them in and out of that experience very gently - what we call 'pendulation'.  I hold the space and trust that their brain/mind will allow them to move through it. A feeling of safety is paramount and must be created beforehand.

I watched her face all the way throughout - the facial muscles and expressions are intimately connected with our emotions - via the vagal nerve - and are very instructive. Her face suddenly looked very scared and childlike. as we worked through what had come up and gradually defused the emotional charge, the adult began to creep back in. At the end of what had been perhaps 20 mins she asked me what I saw and I told her. She said it was very odd because that day she had grabbed a crystal to take with her (I don't know much about them myself but she was obviously convinced that their energy helps her); the one she had grabbed was for 'the inner child' apparently.

As we drew to a close and I asked her how she felt she said 'my back pain is gone' and looked astonished. This is no longer a surprise to me as it used to be. I now know that emotional stuckness can be expressed in bodily pain and it seems clear from the work I've done that the pain will often shift, or move or change its character in response to clearance of these old emotional memories. She walked away feeling and looking quite different. I don't know if she'll venture to come back and see me for a longer session - I can't control that but I know I did good work with her and I felt that my purpose for going that day had been realised. I then wondered as I looked at the young women handing out free lipstick whether they could say the same.

A letter to Jenni Murray (BBC presenter of Woman's Hour)

Dear Jenni

I read in the Daily Mail that you have decided to have a gastric band fitted to combat the weight gain you have incurred over many years and which now threatens your health. Notwithstanding all the vitriol that you have received for this decision (motivated in part by fear of other women that if you can't manage it without surgery what hope for them?) But I was just saddened. That you have been forced down this road by well-meaning doctors and surgeons who claim it will cut your risk of diabetes, heart disease and the like. Well, in the short term that maybe true but no-one knows the long term risks of these procedures.. The surgery is going to have major implications for your health as you will no longer be able to absorb nutrients like you used to. This could increase your risk for cancer and other immune problems.

But the point of my letter is not to pour scorn on your decision but to tell you that there is another way that you haven't considered (at least not from your article anyway). You talked about having tried all the diets out there and they haven't worked. Of course not. Very few people manage to keep the weight off that way and in any case it requires constant vigilance and willpower. Wouldn't it be great if you could 'eat normally' and still lose weight? Well if you approach the psychological drivers of weight gain and treat them, you would be able to. Most people don't appreciate the huge part that subconscious processes play in our behaviour as they are, well, so unconscious. We eat to assuage a deep longing/need - for comfort, for protection, for freedom from boredom or because it's a quick fix that makes us feel temporarily better.  Our psyche tell us we are 'not right/good enough/loveable and we eat to contain that uncomfortable feeling. What I am talking about here is the role of emotions in unconscious eating. We all suffer from this to some degree but, depending on your background, and experiences when growing up, some of us have a more faulty self-image which no amount of diets or surgery is ever going to cure.

So, if the problem isn't 'physical' then why should the solution be? You need to look at using one of the new techniques that are just being developed under the term 'energy psychology'. In fact what they are is using electrical stimulation to change the neural programming in the emotional brain (limbic system). The one I would particularly recommend for eating problems is EFT or Emotional Freedom Technique. A book I would suggest to get you started would be 'Tapping for Weight loss' by Jessica Ortner who has used the technique herself to rid over 3 stone - without diets or restriction. and the benefits go beyond weight loss - they affect every part of your self-image so increasing your self-esteem and healing many old wounds and erroneous beliefs about yourself.

I don't know your story Jenni, but I know most of us have childhood trauma of one sort or another. Although we think we have 'dealt with it' we find that in fact it exists as a deeply embedded memory and belief structure that continues to affect us today. With a skilled therapist to augment the book you may be able to uncover these and deal with them but even without paying more than the cost of the book you can get great results. And it will certainly be cheaper and less dangerous than the surgery you are contemplating. I know that this is the best method I've ever come across - second only to hypnotherapy which also deals with subconscious process -  check out the hypno gastric band - that's another potential solution where you make your body self-limit it's own intake with feelings of fullness but without the surgery.. This is a subconscious problem and it needs a subconscious solution.

One day medicine will be unified- it will stop seeing things in terms of physical vs. mental and realise we are mind and body and one affects the other in profound ways. We will stop looking for the magic bullet of chemical medicine and look to supporting the body's innate healing powers instead. I hope that this new medicine will use some of the advances in modern medicine but doing so in a more intelligent, integrated way with knowledge from psychology and spirituality. These aren't flaky ideas. They are being proven  time and time again in myriad ways in labs and therapy clinics across the world. Don't be persuaded to give up your body to the knife until you've explored this. If I could intervene for you I would, but perhaps that's best left to you. I have learnt through hard experience that trying to persuade someone before they are ready is pointless. I just hope I'm not too late.

Best wishes
Patricia Worby

p.s orginal Daily Mail article is here http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2736130/Why-I-m-getting-gastric-band-JENNI-MURRAY-years-battling-weight-s-taken-momentous-decision.html