Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Post-Christmas blues

Hi warriors. It's been a strange Christmas blighted by the death (or 'passing on' as some euphemistically say) of two people, one a friend, the other a relative. Both were men in their 70's so perhaps you could say they had a 'good innings' but my sadness is still very real. It is those of us left behind who suffer their loss. The first to go was my ex-father-in-law who had become a real friend to me in recent years, who was so gentle and quietly supportive without ever interfering that I came to rely on his email missives which would always be sent back at times when I needed it. The last I saw of him was in the summer, when on my annual visit, we did the usual things of going shopping, eating a meal out and getting told off by the police. Well perhaps the last is not that usual but it is an endearing memory I will have of him of being ticked off by a well-meaning female police-officer who thought I should take more care of the poor chap. She obviously thought his mind was going as he'd lost a wallet and assumed, I think, that I had more influence than I, in fact, had. We laughed about it afterwards for quite a while. So, I know that I can carry those memories with me, though they will never substitute for him they are at least a subtle connection to his spirit which I do believe is still around somewhere.

My uncle I barely knew to be fair but I'm sad for my mother (whose brother it was) and his family who I can imagine are very sad at this point. Having lost my own father many years ago (when I was 19) I still remember the shock and sadness of that time. Time heals it is said but in my experience it just numbs you til you are ready to do the real work of healing and that takes effort and skills. Mine has only just begun really and it was over 25 years ago.

So, anyway my thoughts have been with loss but also with my own health which, as you know, has had a few shake-ups this year. 2010 began with a suspected skin cancer which turned out to be a wart which fell off within a few weeks, and now continues with a large fibroid which it seems I have been developing quietly (asymptomatically) over the last year. It has eventually made itself known by growing so large I could not avoid it and took myself to my GP in October. She was so worried she immediately sent me for blood tests, scans and the like and, though the diagnosis is not so worrying as she obviously first suspected (nothing was expressly said but her urgency said it all), it is a benign tumour nonetheless.

Now, as you know, my interest and specialism is cancer so I guess you could say this is all learning for me, of the deepest kind. I know I don't have cancer at this point but I do know my body is out of balance. Fibroids are related to oestrogen dominance (as are some forms of breast and prostate cancer) so evidently something is out of whack. I have been through the usual forms of self-enquiry - is it my childlessness (one of the predisposing factors), is it my use of soymilk (a phytoestrogen) or some unresolved emotional conflict from my past? However, you look at it there is some work to be done. I have got over the initial shock and am focussing on both conventional and more holisitic treatments. I am signed up for a procedure called embolisation which fires little pellets of an inert substance into the artery supplying the uterus which aims to block the blood supply to the fibroid and cause it to shrink. But I am also castor oil packing (soaked on a cloth and applied with heat to the body), taking proteolytic enzymes (fibroids are largely composed of fibrin, a protein so these enzymes should help to break it down), Di-indole methionine (a natural product of cruciferous vegetables) and herbs to help my body regain its balance. I also had a very powerful acupuncture session in a dream (don't laugh, this was as real an experience as one in so-called 'reality'). I do mean to follow it up with another one in this dimension but haven't found the right person yet. I have had a colonic irrigation and a liver cleanse to clear the chanels of elimination. And much mindfulness meditation and some EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) which I have found released a lot of fear around a new relationship and my sexuality.

Clearly there is a lot more to do. 2011 will be a year where I continue to connect with my body, learn what it is trying to tell me and heal myself. I will also see what conventional medicine has to offer - this procedure is clearly very clever and ingenious but what of the long-term effects of blocking the blood supply? This is something I will be enquiring when I go for my next check-up. It is an intruiging and complex story, I am only grafeful to be given the chance to explore it. So, goodbye 2010 and to those we have lost. Good healing to you all in 2011.

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