Despite a seemingly calm and relaxed evening, and the feeling that I would sleep well at last, I had a most troubling 'dark night of the soul' with weird hallucinations and fearful feelings which prevented me from sleeping. This has left me feeling washed out and less than enthusiastic about life today.
I went to bed at the normal time for me, around 10.15, read for a little, tried to ring my brother who was out and then decided to go to sleep. I'm not sure what went wrong but it became apparent that something was out of 'whack'. My mind refused to relax. I would start to drop off and then be hit by some awful vision - one was of an insect-type arm reaching out to me. I actually started and cried out 'no' it seemed so real. I put the radio on to try and lull my mind by listening to something else but later when I nodded off again this time I dreamt I was eating raw liver to my own disgust. I woke with a start, with the taste in my mouth (I am pretty much vegetarian and would never eat such a thing). I was also soaked in sweat to the point I had to change my clothes. I was distressed and nervous, I got up to make a cup of tea and managed to get a couple of hours sleep early this morning I think but there is no doubt there are some deeply repressed emotions struggling to get out.
I have an inkling what they are about. I have always suffered from painful periods, and I started when I was quite young (11 and still in junior school). I remember the pain, the awful realisation that this was going to be 'for life' as I saw it, and how much I cried when my mum tried to explain that this was what being a woman meant. I think I have internalised that so deeply that now that my 'womanly bits' are misfunctioning I am taken back to the time of utter powerlessness and humiliation. I have spent some of this morning doing some EFT on that for myself and a guided meditation. It is hard, as I am in pain at the moment, and not coincidentally on my period again for the second time this month. I rang the consultant this morning to see if I should be worried (isn't that interesting, that I needed reassurance from an 'expert'). He didn't sound overly concerned but said if it continued into next week to come back for another scan. I know I am the best expert on me, and I do know that I feel generally well in all other areas but this is puzzling and scary. It was not mentioned in the follow-up notes that they gave me so undertandably I was confused.
If, as friends have said, this makes me a more powerful healer in the long run then it will be worth it but right now it feels extremely lonely and troubling. My mind, as usual, runs away with itself trying to find an explanation; the procedure hasn't worked, I am about to have a heart attack or thrombosis somewhere, etc, etc. So, I am struggling with reality today, I feel fearful and weak. Finding a sense of strength and heart-centredness is taking up my energy. I know it will pass, as all things do but it amazes me, how powerful our psychological processes are that they can both 'create' an illness and perpetuate it without any conscious intervention on our part. Such is the power of the mind. For an interesting discussion of this I would recommend John D Sarno - The divided mind and for an overview of where mindbody medicine is going Conscious medicine by Gill Edwards.