The scar that won't heal

Today is a very important day. It's the day after I uploaded my book to Kindle - a year's work and a very intense year it's been. Not only did it take a year's writing to get the 85K words, but then there's the proofing (thanks to the stalwart efforts of a friend), references and booklists to compile, getting someone to write the forward and so on. The book was actually written about 2 months ago but all the rest took a long time to complete.

During this time of writing and fretting, I've also been struggling with some personal issues which has entailed me getting quite anxious in a way that hasn't occurred since my last bout of depression 15 years ago. Initially all was going well but sometime around August my clinic (which is a conservatory at the back of my house) developed a leak. After heavy rain a stain would slowly make its way from the corner of the room and fill the air with the smell of damp plaster until it dried out again with the sun. Now, under normal conditions I would just call in the builder who erected it and demand reparations. But he is not to be found.. And I have no written guarantee despite months of requesting it. Beware a builder who can't/won't respond to your requests for things in writing!

So I called in another builder who has painstakingly worked backwards from the most likely cause to the least, repairing and making 'good' various badly done bits from flashing to the roof. After each repair comes the hope, then dashed after the next rainstorm. Finally this last weekend I admitted to myself my reaction has been so extreme, that I need therapy. I can't sleep when rain is due, my guts churn, my chest feels tight. I can't sit still, or eat for worry - and it feels like a personal attack when that stain comes back time after time..

So, of course it's no co-incidence then that my book is called The Scar the won't Heal; Stress Trauma and Unresolved Emotion in Chronic Disease'. Perhaps in the writing of it, I have touched upon some of my most painful memories, including the death of my father at 19. In EMDR (Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) therapy this week, it was this that came up. My feelings of abandonment when he died, and that I was somehow responsible. How strange! I know logically this isn't true but my emotional brain believes it, and the issue of fixing the leak has become a cipher for what I couldn't achieve 30 years ago. I had no control then and I have none now.  And both things seem to threaten my sense of self in a way that sounds ridiculous but nevertheless that's how my body is reading it.

So, it's really been a case of 'healer heal thyself' and I have tried to see this time as an important reminder of how illogical emotional memory formation is and how it affects us in later life if triggered. Which is exactly what my book is about - and how this can translate into anxiety, depression and chronic pain, IBS, TMJ, etc. So the universe has given me another swift kick up the backside to look at myself and deal with my stuff so I am in a better position to help others deal with theirs. Onwards people. Oh and please god I get the leak mended soon. Driving me crazy. Literally.

The ups and the downs of ageing and selfhood

Having had a strange few days of highs and lows I have been pondering the nature of ageing and what it means to inhabit our bodies. My mother had some sort of heart arrhythmia a couple of weeks ago and has had a pacemaker fitted. I went to visit her for the first time yesterday (having not been well enough really to visit at the risk of passing on whatever flu bug I had).  My mum is 81 and has previously been a healthy and active person, working one day a week in the local PDSA charity shop and visiting my brother every Saturday on the bus. I fear that may have come to an end.

She collapsed while having her hair done at the hairdressers, she doesn't remember passing out, she only knows she woke up in an ambulance. She was out for approximately 10 mins and they were worried they wouldn't be able to rouse her. She was then taken to hospital for assessment and endured what sounds like a typical A&E experience in this country, where she was left hooked up to a ECG machine on a trolley for 8 hours while they waited for a bed. She says all she had with her was her handbag and they had put her in a gown but not given her a blanket or drink until she begged the nurses saying how cold and thirsty she was. She says they looked annoyed when she asked (which mirrors my experience - they are all under such tremendous pressure with not enough staff that the basic kindnesses go out the window).

She had her pacemaker fitted the next day in what seems like a miracle procedure - local anaesthetic and inserted through the artery under her arm. She was discharged after 2 days and now has care from 2 lovely ladies who come morning and evening to help her dress. She seemed well enough when I saw her but she shows signs of having lost a lot of weight, she has lost the use of her left arm (which is her dominant hand) so is severely restricted in cooking and dressing. I was a little surprised by how quickly she has become 'old' and passive. She is scared of using the microwave in case it interferes with the device; the booklet she was given says she is not to get within 6 inches of microwaves or hairdryers so, my Mum being ever cautious, she goes out the room completely when the microwave is on and hasn't washed or dried her hair yet, preferring to use dry shampoo. She seems convinced that she can't use her arm, even though the advice was just to not to lift it above her head for a few weeks.

Nothing I say can convince her, she waits for the consultant appointment this week to tell her whether she can have her hair washed, risk walking, etc. Women of my mother's generation (and class I guess) are in awe of their doctors and their word is God. Anyway it was a mixture of relief (that she has survived with her humour intact) and exasperation that I attempted to help and be a good daughter. I did her hair for her. It was a strange but oddly healing experience. We've never had the greatest relationship but I am slowly building it, as she ages and I find more compassion in my heart for her strengths (famously dotty, genial and good natured) and try hard to ignore her weaknesses (lack of empathy for those closest to her, judgemental at times).

And in that reflection of course is the fact that, as I approach 51 (this week!!), I feel, well, surprisingly young in comparison! I had gone to visit feeling quite down about my approaching birthday but seeing her passivity and helplessness, I realise I am not there yet and still have a lot of living to do. We are all ageing and we are quite terrified if we're honest but as I continue to work with my clients and learn so much through the work we do together I realise that our fears are universal and very, very human.

I had a dispiriting Saturday exhibiting at a Wellbeing day where I sat, ignored for the most part, as people who read cards or palms, sold crystals or even, gasp, make-up were well attended. Working on your emotional health just isn't that high up the agenda for most people. They'd much rather have a foot-rub! Can't say I don't understand that but I kept feeling that wellness is so one-dimensional if all it means is attending to the physical needs of the body.. I mean I love massage, (and I do it for goodness sake) so I'm not denying the importance but I SO believe in this stuff that I do and I get such great results when people are able to release their subconscious fears and beliefs that I can't understand why everyone doesn't get this excited. :)

I did have one 'client' on the day - she was another therapist who was interested in trying a taster session of EFT as she'd heard of it but she couldn't think what we could work on as she'd 'sorted everything previously with other therapies'. I asked her 'is there anything troubling you?'. She said 'well only this nagging back pain' so we decided to work on that. Now, I use Faster EFT with a few extra touches of my own from my training in trauma and hypnotherapy, and it's quite a quick and incisive tool. In fact within minutes I had my poor lady in tears as she reconciled the fact of not loving or forgiving herself for stuff that happened to her in childhood. I had not expected to go so deep so quickly but then I am not in control of what comes up. All I can do is take the person into their own resourcefulness to counteract the pain and move them in and out of that experience very gently - what we call 'pendulation'.  I hold the space and trust that their brain/mind will allow them to move through it. A feeling of safety is paramount and must be created beforehand.

I watched her face all the way throughout - the facial muscles and expressions are intimately connected with our emotions - via the vagal nerve - and are very instructive. Her face suddenly looked very scared and childlike. as we worked through what had come up and gradually defused the emotional charge, the adult began to creep back in. At the end of what had been perhaps 20 mins she asked me what I saw and I told her. She said it was very odd because that day she had grabbed a crystal to take with her (I don't know much about them myself but she was obviously convinced that their energy helps her); the one she had grabbed was for 'the inner child' apparently.

As we drew to a close and I asked her how she felt she said 'my back pain is gone' and looked astonished. This is no longer a surprise to me as it used to be. I now know that emotional stuckness can be expressed in bodily pain and it seems clear from the work I've done that the pain will often shift, or move or change its character in response to clearance of these old emotional memories. She walked away feeling and looking quite different. I don't know if she'll venture to come back and see me for a longer session - I can't control that but I know I did good work with her and I felt that my purpose for going that day had been realised. I then wondered as I looked at the young women handing out free lipstick whether they could say the same.

Book writing news

Started my book-writing course  (today) and although the title isn't fixed yet (something to do with Healing past trauma; how unresolved emotions undermine your health).. I've written some chapter headings and nearly 10,000 words. Of course since the first part of the book is my story (illustrating how even a 'normal' childhood can impact the adult experience of life), it's been reasonably easy to write (who can't write about themselves!). The next few chapters will use case studies to detail the myriad ways in which blocked emotions or trauma (even mild events can be traumatic to a sensitised person) can cause many chronic illnesses such as chronic fatigue, anxiety, and numbing. Finally I'll be looking at ways in which you can release these to live a more healthy, satisfying life.

Writing is always self-exposing but particularly when you are writing about your own experience and it has caused me some trepidation as many of the people I am writing about are still alive (my mother for instance). However, it's not a blame-game'. I'm very careful not to get into that with either my clients or myself. The point is; your experience is your experience - it's no-one's fault and the point of healing it is not to divert responsibility to someone else i.e 'it's their fault I ended up this way'. This is, instead, an honest account of how childhood events impact upon the adult by virtue of imprinting in the emotional brain (limbic system and brainstem). I think it's a fascinating area and explains why so many people have intractable pain and distress which does not respond to talk therapies (the origin of these emotions are pre-verbal memories which don't have a narrative).  For instance when I had my tonsils out at age 7 or 8, the idea then was that parents did not stay with you overnight. They just left you there. The experience was extremely frightening for me as my parents in their wisdom didn't tell me till the day they dropped me off, AND, it was the first time I had ever been away from home without them. Hospitals have never been my favourite places (I get a weird anxious feeling in them) and now I know why.

I am boosted in my understanding by a new book hot off the press by Bessel Van der Kolk; 'The Body Keeps the Score'. What a great title. Honestly, it's almost the book I wanted to write although based on his clinical experience which is far greater than mine (he is a trauma specialist in NY). I can't recommend it highly enough if you are interested in this field as I am. it was released in 2014 so bang up to date.

Anyhow, the writing process is ongoing, the main thing is how to publish and in what format - digital or print? lots to learn so an exciting time. Of course I'm not sure anyone will want to read it, but hey, I am determine to be positive. You don't know til you try. Happy 2015 everyone.